(Disclaimer: This note is only intended to be an expression of my sorrow for the fact that my quest for authenticity in the American church has typically been a dangerous one. When I say "authenticity," I'm not talking about the platitudinous buzzword that it has become. For the sake of safety, I'm trying to be as vaguely honest as I can. When I use the words "church" and "ministry," I'm using them in their broadest sense.)
Recently, I started to grow weary of only being able to be covertly honest with a relatively small group of people. The more I heard professors, pastors, leaders, and friends stress the importance of authenticity, the more conflicted I became. I recalled the times that I'd spoken honestly about issues I have with church and ministry and remembered being burned in the process. I realize that authenticity doesn't mean constantly spewing out complaints as they pop in my head, but I felt it was important to take steps toward being genuine about how certain aspects of church and ministry have been detrimental to my spirituality and relationship with Christ. Unfortunately, this wasn't a safe decision. In general, the subculture that is Liberty University doesn't tend to like or tolerate people who are outspoken about their hang-ups with "the world's most exciting university" or the modern, Western conception of Christian ministry that it buys into.
Even though I've been called slanderous for telling the truth about my experiences, my goal was never to damage a reputation (or a facade). I don't enjoy being profoundly dissatisfied and borderline cynical. I don't plan on being in this place (that's a double entendre) for the rest of my life. I'm not attempting or claiming to possess the ability to tear down well-intentioned but--in my opinion--sadly mistaken organizations. I just want to be a part of something better. I want to be a part of something with a vision in which my conscience can rejoice instead of be troubled over. I want to be able to be lovingly honest without fear of being beat down for it (maybe that's unrealistic). I want to be a part of something that isn't propped up and held together by appearances and stage performances (Again, I'm talking about churches and ministries in general here. Nothing specific). But I can't at the moment. I feel stuck, and I'm wrestling with whether or not it's worth it to be stuck. I know some of the pros and cons, I just need a good scale. If anyone has one, I'd love to borrow it for a while.
