Resolve for the New Year

I wish I consistently had the resolve I have right before I fall asleep.

When I felt like I was making headway in my relationship with God (whatever that means), I found it harder to get to sleep. I’d read a chapter from the Bible or an excerpt from Desiring God and then try to fall asleep. The problem was that I couldn’t stop thinking. I couldn’t stop praying or thanking God for what He had just revealed to me. I gladly gave up the ability to easily fall asleep because I knew that God is better than sleep.

Now it’s different. I’d like things to be the way they once were, but as much as I wish He did, God doesn’t tend to work well with my formulas. (I realize that statement is a formula in itself, and I guess God probably doesn’t always work with that formula either. Basically, what I’m trying to say is God does whatever the hell He wants however the hell He wants to do it. And He usually works in ways that I don’t want Him to.) I’ve tried reading the Bible in the morning and night like I used to, but I still feel the same as always: a mixture of shameful and stagnant. I keep hearing people like John Piper say that God is always doing a lot more in my life than meets the eye, and I believe that. But I just feel so utterly stagnant. Then I feel guilty. Then I sin. Then I feel numb. Then I feel guilty for not feeling guilty enough. And in the end, I’m still so fucking stagnant.

Now, because reading the Bible and thinking about Jesus don’t do it for me anymore, I watch some TV episode on Hulu before I sleep. That doesn’t usually leave me much to think about while I’m trying to force myself into sweet unconsciousness; so I just imagine myself as some badass swordfighter killing a bunch of bad guys. Yeah, I know. The fact that I think about that pretty much disqualifies me from ever really being badass, but it aids in accomplishing my goal, which is quickly getting to sleep.

Sometimes, every once in a while, a legitimately helpful thought makes its way into my mind in spite of the carefully crafted defenses I’ve made to guard against such a thing. The thought usually goes something like, “What the hell are you doing with your life? You really have nothing better to think about?” These questions lead me into a relatively lengthy thought process that normally ends in a wonderful sense of resolve. I become determined to find a goal and work as hard as I can toward it. And then…I fall asleep. The next morning I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have that beautiful feeling of resolve. Instead I’m just as shamefully stagnant as I was when I was envisioning beating the shit out of people with my awesome sword-fighting skills.

And so the cycle continues. I’m at a school I don’t want to be at in a major I don’t want anything to do with while the only goals I have at the moment are graduating next year, hiking the Appalachian Trail, ceasing to look at porn and jack off, and finding a wife who is willing to shovel through all the shit I’ve piled up over the years.

“What’s the primary goal of my life?” Finding a way to be happy in Christ WITHOUT ignoring everything that’s wrong with me and the world and the church. “How does one go about doing that?” I haven’t a fucking clue. And I’m beginning to realize that even if I had a clue, it would be shattered to a bunch of pathetic little pieces given enough time. “Welcome to the real world, Will McMurtry.”

Only God can get me out of this one, and He’s not obligated to. That scares me. And if He decides to make something out of my pitiful life, it probably won’t be what I have in mind. That scares me too.

Maybe someday He’ll let me have some resolve that lasts even after I wake up in the morning. God help me.

The Danger of Authenticity

(Disclaimer: This note is only intended to be an expression of my sorrow for the fact that my quest for authenticity in the American church has typically been a dangerous one. When I say "authenticity," I'm not talking about the platitudinous buzzword that it has become. For the sake of safety, I'm trying to be as vaguely honest as I can. When I use the words "church" and "ministry," I'm using them in their broadest sense.)

Recently, I started to grow weary of only being able to be covertly honest with a relatively small group of people. The more I heard professors, pastors, leaders, and friends stress the importance of authenticity, the more conflicted I became. I recalled the times that I'd spoken honestly about issues I have with church and ministry and remembered being burned in the process. I realize that authenticity doesn't mean constantly spewing out complaints as they pop in my head, but I felt it was important to take steps toward being genuine about how certain aspects of church and ministry have been detrimental to my spirituality and relationship with Christ. Unfortunately, this wasn't a safe decision. In general, the subculture that is Liberty University doesn't tend to like or tolerate people who are outspoken about their hang-ups with "the world's most exciting university" or the modern, Western conception of Christian ministry that it buys into.

Even though I've been called slanderous for telling the truth about my experiences, my goal was never to damage a reputation (or a facade). I don't enjoy being profoundly dissatisfied and borderline cynical. I don't plan on being in this place (that's a double entendre) for the rest of my life. I'm not attempting or claiming to possess the ability to tear down well-intentioned but--in my opinion--sadly mistaken organizations. I just want to be a part of something better. I want to be a part of something with a vision in which my conscience can rejoice instead of be troubled over. I want to be able to be lovingly honest without fear of being beat down for it (maybe that's unrealistic). I want to be a part of something that isn't propped up and held together by appearances and stage performances (Again, I'm talking about churches and ministries in general here. Nothing specific). But I can't at the moment. I feel stuck, and I'm wrestling with whether or not it's worth it to be stuck. I know some of the pros and cons, I just need a good scale. If anyone has one, I'd love to borrow it for a while.

"Western Christianity"

In the near future, I'm sure I'll blog about the many problems I have with modern Evangelicalism in the Western world, but I'll save that for later days. For now, I want to focus on what I mean by "Western Christianity." Let me start out by saying that I haven't given this much thought; so, I'm not exactly sure what I mean yet.

Anyway, I'm starting to come to the realization that I can't lump every denomination into the very general phrase "Western Christianity" and then accurately say all the denominations that fall under "Western Christianity" all have the same problems. On the other side of this, I need to fight the mindset that thinks Christianity in other parts of the world is somehow on a higher spiritual plane than the Christianity found in America, Canada, etc. That very well may be true, but I wouldn't know, and as I read through the New Testament, it seems pretty clear that all those early churches had some pretty bad problems that needed addressing too.

So back to my main point: I think that what I've meant in the past by "Western Christianity" is actually (mainly) the Southern Baptist church. I grew up going to Southern Baptist churches in the infamous Bible belt. I've probably attended services with at least 150 different Southern Baptist congregations. I know what the the Southern Baptist mega-church mold looks and acts like. And for the vast majority of the time, I'm pretty disgusted by it. I also spent over 5 years in a "Bapticostal" church. It behaved quite a bit differently than most traditional SB churches, but I wasn't any more impressed with its particular brand of Christianity; its initially sweet taste was overwhelming overshadowed by its bitter aftertaste. I've also seen and experienced a few of the bad effects that some Pentecostal churches had on several of my friends and me.

That's what I've experienced. So I guess that's what I mean by "Western Christianity." I just can't realistically represent the denominations that I haven't had much contact with, and I shouldn't act like I can.

I will say, though, that I dated a Lutheran once, and I haven't been a very big fan of them since...them or Minnesotans. For me, Luther is the only redeeming thing about Lutheranism, and Piper is the only redeeming thing about Minnesota.

But seriously, I am grateful for the churches God graciously allowed me to grow up in. There are good qualities in them that I too often ignore. God help me when I get so jaded and cynical that I cease from loving the glorious, beautiful, mysterious thing that is the Body of Christ, His Church.

First Post

I'm not sure if there are any formalities I'm supposed to fulfill in a first blog post.  I'm new to this whole crazy thing.  I created this account on a whim with ideas of grandeur floating through my mind.  Now they've all floated away, and I'm left wondering if this is still a good idea.  Damn feelings; they're always so fickle.  They're nice while they last, but I can't depend on them to help me get things done; so, I might as well finish what I started with or without their fair weather aid.  

I hope the future posts will help some people, myself included.  I'm not sure what I'll blog about, but that's the adventure of it all, isn't it?  I want to be candid but not so candid that everyone knows my real name.  Depending on how far down this road of honesty I go, a real name could potentially get me into some trouble.  So anyway, welcome to my blog.  My name is William McMurtry...