I wish I consistently had the resolve I have right before I fall asleep.
When I felt like I was making headway in my relationship with God (whatever that means), I found it harder to get to sleep. I’d read a chapter from the Bible or an excerpt from Desiring God and then try to fall asleep. The problem was that I couldn’t stop thinking. I couldn’t stop praying or thanking God for what He had just revealed to me. I gladly gave up the ability to easily fall asleep because I knew that God is better than sleep.
Now it’s different. I’d like things to be the way they once were, but as much as I wish He did, God doesn’t tend to work well with my formulas. (I realize that statement is a formula in itself, and I guess God probably doesn’t always work with that formula either. Basically, what I’m trying to say is God does whatever the hell He wants however the hell He wants to do it. And He usually works in ways that I don’t want Him to.) I’ve tried reading the Bible in the morning and night like I used to, but I still feel the same as always: a mixture of shameful and stagnant. I keep hearing people like John Piper say that God is always doing a lot more in my life than meets the eye, and I believe that. But I just feel so utterly stagnant. Then I feel guilty. Then I sin. Then I feel numb. Then I feel guilty for not feeling guilty enough. And in the end, I’m still so fucking stagnant.
Now, because reading the Bible and thinking about Jesus don’t do it for me anymore, I watch some TV episode on Hulu before I sleep. That doesn’t usually leave me much to think about while I’m trying to force myself into sweet unconsciousness; so I just imagine myself as some badass swordfighter killing a bunch of bad guys. Yeah, I know. The fact that I think about that pretty much disqualifies me from ever really being badass, but it aids in accomplishing my goal, which is quickly getting to sleep.
Sometimes, every once in a while, a legitimately helpful thought makes its way into my mind in spite of the carefully crafted defenses I’ve made to guard against such a thing. The thought usually goes something like, “What the hell are you doing with your life? You really have nothing better to think about?” These questions lead me into a relatively lengthy thought process that normally ends in a wonderful sense of resolve. I become determined to find a goal and work as hard as I can toward it. And then…I fall asleep. The next morning I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have that beautiful feeling of resolve. Instead I’m just as shamefully stagnant as I was when I was envisioning beating the shit out of people with my awesome sword-fighting skills.
And so the cycle continues. I’m at a school I don’t want to be at in a major I don’t want anything to do with while the only goals I have at the moment are graduating next year, hiking the Appalachian Trail, ceasing to look at porn and jack off, and finding a wife who is willing to shovel through all the shit I’ve piled up over the years.
“What’s the primary goal of my life?” Finding a way to be happy in Christ WITHOUT ignoring everything that’s wrong with me and the world and the church. “How does one go about doing that?” I haven’t a fucking clue. And I’m beginning to realize that even if I had a clue, it would be shattered to a bunch of pathetic little pieces given enough time. “Welcome to the real world, Will McMurtry.”
Only God can get me out of this one, and He’s not obligated to. That scares me. And if He decides to make something out of my pitiful life, it probably won’t be what I have in mind. That scares me too.
Maybe someday He’ll let me have some resolve that lasts even after I wake up in the morning. God help me.
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